I swear I’m really starting to get annoyed with these pain in the ass friends of my parents (especially my mom) saying shit like ‘So are you ever thinking of having kids one day???’ ‘Wow I’m sure your kids would look so cute!’ ‘Soooooooooo?’ Like, no thanks bitch, I already dealt with the possibility of having one so I don’t think that shit’s gonna happen for a long fucking time. At least they know to shut up when I go quiet or if one of my parents is there they just kind of awkwardly cough. Also PSA a large majority of those social justice anti-rape people on tumblr are nothing but patronizers that have no idea what the hell they’re talking about and just like trying to talk tough.
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Wehhh. I’ve been feeling pretty down and shit for the past few days (actually much longer than that). And it sucks because with all of these feelings I feel like I’ve lost the motivation to rp and really just check through tumblr because backtracking can really be tiring. But here I am attempting to do it now. Like I don’t wanna get too into why I’ve been feeling upset, because I try to keep a lot of things from my personal life just away from the internet in general, but basically a really close friend of mine has been going through a lot of shit. Like close friend as in I’ve known this girl for almost 12 years close. She’s been going through this stuff for a pretty long time, but I along with other friends thought that it was over after not hearing anything about it for a while. But it turned out we were wrong and things are kind of worse than we thought, so that’s… yeah… And it just hurts because this is someone I’ve known for such a long time, but I really honestly don’t know how to help her because the situation is so touchy, especially to me. So the past few days and stuff have really been this horrible ride of emotions for me, her, and our other close friends. Things at the moment seem okay though, and I’m hoping it stays like that. But in all honesty, none of us are really that confident in that, which is definitely pretty pessimistic…  So yeah. I’m sorry for being inactive with so much stuff, but my motivation and stuff feel so drained lately that it’s hard to even just get on the computer and look at shit. I’ve been posting on twitter through my phone if that counts for something though, but probably not. 
I still wish I could go back in time and kick myself in the face for tagging my personal posts with shit relevant to the pictures I would post with them. Oh my god I was a fucking idiot. Like that is basically begging for people to give it notes, which I should have fucking realized that I didn’t necessarily want, because they’re personal posts… SIGH… I still do like adding pictures (preferably of Kotetsu) though, because… Uh. I don’t really know why but I do g-geez. Just jesus christ now I know never to do that shit again. Sees a personal post of mine get 20 notes, wonders why. Oh it’s because it’s a picture of Kotetsu and I tagged it appropriately haaaaahhhhhh I’m an imbecile. 
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For the past few months, my short-term memory’s been acting like… really bad. I mean ya know when you have those moments when you walk into a room and suddenly don’t remember what you were doing/going to do in that room? That’s been happening to me every day for those few months, and it was of course happening before that as well. I forget what I was going to do, I watch a show online and suddenly forget what just happened in a scene so I have to rewind back to it, and a whole bunch of other stuff. I told my parents about it, and they’re thinking of maybe taking me to a neurologist just to see if something’s wrong.  Something like this really scares me. I mean, what if I somehow start to even forget things that’ve happened even further in the past, you know? When people forget things and they’re missing from their mind, those things might as well have never existed. 
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So I’m back from David’s house where we basically hung out and just played Soul Calibur V for hours and I’ve gotta admit that it was a lot of fun. We were laughing and having a great time, and it felt like that was something I really needed. And I felt like such an idiot for actually getting emotional when I was getting ready to leave. Like for the past few months or possibly even longer than that, I really feel like I’ve been neglecting my friends that I know personally/offline/whatever you want to call it. It’s like for a while the people that I would talk to a lot would be friends online, and it’s not like that’s an issue at all, but the friends I know offline like… really know me, if I can put it like that. And I feel like such an ass for not paying so much attention to them, because I don’t know where I’d be without them. And the same goes for you online friends too! I mean the reason I joined tumblr in the first place was to ‘connect’ with people that I already knew online through a blogging site. Weh, maybe it’s just that I always think of myself as someone who’s really unappreciative. I mean I try to be appreciative of things but maybe I’m not appreciative enough. So there I am like getting emotional and saying shit like ‘God I’m such a bitch.’ ‘You’re too nice to me.’ ‘Don’t you hate me for rarely talking to you and seeing you?’ And it just made me feel so much worse when David said I had nothing to worry about and he doesn’t have any sort of reason to hate me at all. Like, shit, I wish I was that nice… One of these days I might just have to take an extended break over the internet and really get back to talking to everyone that lives around me. I wanna have fun like I had today and I want to enjoy being around the people I like. 
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I feel like I’ve been acting too much based on my own self-interests lately. Like I’m doing a disservice on people by doing things that I really want to do instead of things that I think I have to do as favors. I know that might sound sort of weird but me growing up as a child and even up until now was just different I guess. My parents were especially busy in their jobs when I was younger that they had almost no time for me at all. I’d get picked up from school by one, say hi to the other when I was home, then they were back to work. It was hard to really sit down and have a chance to talk to either of them because they’d always say how busy they were and that they didn’t have time for me. When what happened six years ago happened, I felt like they only started paying attention to me because they all felt pity like everyone else did. But of course I tried to ignore those thoughts and was just glad that they were actually talking to me for once and letting me speak when I wanted to. Then a few years ago I was an idiot and got involved in stupid things and thought stupid things, and that only made them feel sorry for me again. Then that passed and here I am now with them. At least I feel like I can talk to them normally now without feeling scared or intimidated. But for a long time I was hesitant to really do anything for myself, doing whatever I could to impress my parents and people around me. With my attitude now, I’m just scared it could be something like where people will hate me for the things I do against what they want, but I’ll only enjoy the self-satisfaction from my selfish choices. It’s honestly really hard to describe in written words. 
♥ 5
So it’s been a while since I’ve done an ‘update of my life’ post on this blog so I thought I might as well do it now just at around Christmas late at night. So…… Yeah I dunno I can’t really say anything special’s really been going on honestly. It’s just been the same thing for the past few months of getting up, going to work, checking shit on the internet during my break, back to work, then coming home at around 6:00 pm and sleeping at 2:00 am.  I mean I decided to take a vacation right now, so that’s a relief. The others at work were like begging to work during this time because they knew they’d be making a lot of extra money and I was just like whatever, so Mike didn’t mind if I chose to take time off at this time. (I guess I’m lucky that me and my family know him??) But yeah um other than that the past few months have just been normal and nothing special. December’s been a more of a meditative and ‘reflecting on myself’ month though, as usual. I’d rather not bore you guys with the details, and I know like a very few of you know, but the winter time, especially just at around Christmas/New Years is a VERY uncomfortable time for me. 6 years ago I had an incident (if you want to call it that) that really did change my life and the way I see things. In a very NEGATIVE way that is. After that I was basically not even myself, and I still think so even now. Again I really don’t want to go too much into it because it does get unsettling to talk about yeah… If it’s just one thing I learned from all of that and the mindset that I was given following what happened, it would be something like… The world and its people really aren’t as bright and happy as people say they are. Even members of your family have the power to ruin you if they want to. As long as you’re cautious with everyone and basically don’t trust anyone, you’ll be fine. I know that was probably worded really badly or something but I’m just starting to get tired… And gah I know those words aren’t something people would like to read during Christmas where things should be all fun and nice and whatever, but that really is how I feel. I mean yeah… I do like people and there are people that I consider as friends and stuff, but it seems like letting your guard down to even family can mess you up big time. And what sucks is all I get from people that know about it is pity, and that just makes things worse. I’ve had a wall around me for a very long time in my life, and only a few people have managed to put scratches on it. I really wonder how many more years I’ll have to go through before I can stop being all shaky and scared during the holidays. Sometimes I feel like I’m being overly dramatic, since people that have had the same thing happen to them have managed to really move on with their lives and stay strong. I on the other hand still look at the past and tremble at it. Wow and I liked how I said I wouldn’t get into it even more and there I go writing a massive brick wall.  But um yeah…….. That was probably a little bit of a downer and I should probably stop. Just yeah uh this time of year can be a difficult time for me guys (wow I have been saying time so much) so I’m sorry if I can be a little bit of a blah. Um onto brighter things, the rp community that Miru and I made has been doing pretty well! The somewhat small population is a nice thing to have, and I get excited thinking if it could actually get even bigger with new people joining. I also can’t really think of anything else to write about in this uh………. I started playing Persona 4 I guess and I’ve fallen in love with Daisuke the soccer guy. He is like a really big babe and I love him. Like I mean Dojima is already mine but Daisuke’s there on the side. He is just CUTE. Talking about anime/video game husbands makes me feel better this is a good thing I think.  And now I really don’t know what else to talk about so I will just end it here! Um I’m sorry if I’m a stick in the mud, but I really hope all of you guys have a happy holidays and stuff! I really wanna do my best to make this coming year great and stuff, too. So…. yeah! Oh and here have this picture again. I like this picture it’s like the picture I put in blog posts when I’m feeling FRUSTRATED or CONFUSED. I also realized that I was an idiot and was actually tagging these drawling posts I make with the names of the characters of the pictures of I attach. One that’s stupid because people that go through the tag obviously don’t want a wall of melodramatic writing to go with a picture. And two I realized the people that were liking my posts were only liking them for the picture which is actually kind of RUDE. ‘So don’t attach pictures’ you may say. But I like doing it…… And I’ve also been still getting the impression that some people both offline and online hate me in one way or another?? I’m still trying to figure out what I did wrong, but so far I haven’t been able to get an answer. Also yeah I do get into this sort of feeling where if someone just looks a little bit pissed at me or anything I’ll kind of freak out and claw at my mind to know what I did to make them that way so I can yell at myself for it. And wow look at me still going on when said I’d ‘leave it at this’. I will stop. Right now. And get to rp posts right after. Until the next ultra big post, which will probably be in 2012.~ 
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