For the past few months, my short-term memory’s been acting like… really bad. I mean ya know when you have those moments when you walk into a room and suddenly don’t remember what you were doing/going to do in that room? That’s been happening to me every day for those few months, and it was of course happening before that as well. I forget what I was going to do, I watch a show online and suddenly forget what just happened in a scene so I have to rewind back to it, and a whole bunch of other stuff. I told my parents about it, and they’re thinking of maybe taking me to a neurologist just to see if something’s wrong.  Something like this really scares me. I mean, what if I somehow start to even forget things that’ve happened even further in the past, you know? When people forget things and they’re missing from their mind, those things might as well have never existed. 
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So I’m back from David’s house where we basically hung out and just played Soul Calibur V for hours and I’ve gotta admit that it was a lot of fun. We were laughing and having a great time, and it felt like that was something I really needed. And I felt like such an idiot for actually getting emotional when I was getting ready to leave. Like for the past few months or possibly even longer than that, I really feel like I’ve been neglecting my friends that I know personally/offline/whatever you want to call it. It’s like for a while the people that I would talk to a lot would be friends online, and it’s not like that’s an issue at all, but the friends I know offline like… really know me, if I can put it like that. And I feel like such an ass for not paying so much attention to them, because I don’t know where I’d be without them. And the same goes for you online friends too! I mean the reason I joined tumblr in the first place was to ‘connect’ with people that I already knew online through a blogging site. Weh, maybe it’s just that I always think of myself as someone who’s really unappreciative. I mean I try to be appreciative of things but maybe I’m not appreciative enough. So there I am like getting emotional and saying shit like ‘God I’m such a bitch.’ ‘You’re too nice to me.’ ‘Don’t you hate me for rarely talking to you and seeing you?’ And it just made me feel so much worse when David said I had nothing to worry about and he doesn’t have any sort of reason to hate me at all. Like, shit, I wish I was that nice… One of these days I might just have to take an extended break over the internet and really get back to talking to everyone that lives around me. I wanna have fun like I had today and I want to enjoy being around the people I like. 
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I feel like I’ve been acting too much based on my own self-interests lately. Like I’m doing a disservice on people by doing things that I really want to do instead of things that I think I have to do as favors. I know that might sound sort of weird but me growing up as a child and even up until now was just different I guess. My parents were especially busy in their jobs when I was younger that they had almost no time for me at all. I’d get picked up from school by one, say hi to the other when I was home, then they were back to work. It was hard to really sit down and have a chance to talk to either of them because they’d always say how busy they were and that they didn’t have time for me. When what happened six years ago happened, I felt like they only started paying attention to me because they all felt pity like everyone else did. But of course I tried to ignore those thoughts and was just glad that they were actually talking to me for once and letting me speak when I wanted to. Then a few years ago I was an idiot and got involved in stupid things and thought stupid things, and that only made them feel sorry for me again. Then that passed and here I am now with them. At least I feel like I can talk to them normally now without feeling scared or intimidated. But for a long time I was hesitant to really do anything for myself, doing whatever I could to impress my parents and people around me. With my attitude now, I’m just scared it could be something like where people will hate me for the things I do against what they want, but I’ll only enjoy the self-satisfaction from my selfish choices. It’s honestly really hard to describe in written words. 
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So it’s been a while since I’ve done an ‘update of my life’ post on this blog so I thought I might as well do it now just at around Christmas late at night. So…… Yeah I dunno I can’t really say anything special’s really been going on honestly. It’s just been the same thing for the past few months of getting up, going to work, checking shit on the internet during my break, back to work, then coming home at around 6:00 pm and sleeping at 2:00 am.  I mean I decided to take a vacation right now, so that’s a relief. The others at work were like begging to work during this time because they knew they’d be making a lot of extra money and I was just like whatever, so Mike didn’t mind if I chose to take time off at this time. (I guess I’m lucky that me and my family know him??) But yeah um other than that the past few months have just been normal and nothing special. December’s been a more of a meditative and ‘reflecting on myself’ month though, as usual. I’d rather not bore you guys with the details, and I know like a very few of you know, but the winter time, especially just at around Christmas/New Years is a VERY uncomfortable time for me. 6 years ago I had an incident (if you want to call it that) that really did change my life and the way I see things. In a very NEGATIVE way that is. After that I was basically not even myself, and I still think so even now. Again I really don’t want to go too much into it because it does get unsettling to talk about yeah… If it’s just one thing I learned from all of that and the mindset that I was given following what happened, it would be something like… The world and its people really aren’t as bright and happy as people say they are. Even members of your family have the power to ruin you if they want to. As long as you’re cautious with everyone and basically don’t trust anyone, you’ll be fine. I know that was probably worded really badly or something but I’m just starting to get tired… And gah I know those words aren’t something people would like to read during Christmas where things should be all fun and nice and whatever, but that really is how I feel. I mean yeah… I do like people and there are people that I consider as friends and stuff, but it seems like letting your guard down to even family can mess you up big time. And what sucks is all I get from people that know about it is pity, and that just makes things worse. I’ve had a wall around me for a very long time in my life, and only a few people have managed to put scratches on it. I really wonder how many more years I’ll have to go through before I can stop being all shaky and scared during the holidays. Sometimes I feel like I’m being overly dramatic, since people that have had the same thing happen to them have managed to really move on with their lives and stay strong. I on the other hand still look at the past and tremble at it. Wow and I liked how I said I wouldn’t get into it even more and there I go writing a massive brick wall.  But um yeah…….. That was probably a little bit of a downer and I should probably stop. Just yeah uh this time of year can be a difficult time for me guys (wow I have been saying time so much) so I’m sorry if I can be a little bit of a blah. Um onto brighter things, the rp community that Miru and I made has been doing pretty well! The somewhat small population is a nice thing to have, and I get excited thinking if it could actually get even bigger with new people joining. I also can’t really think of anything else to write about in this uh………. I started playing Persona 4 I guess and I’ve fallen in love with Daisuke the soccer guy. He is like a really big babe and I love him. Like I mean Dojima is already mine but Daisuke’s there on the side. He is just CUTE. Talking about anime/video game husbands makes me feel better this is a good thing I think.  And now I really don’t know what else to talk about so I will just end it here! Um I’m sorry if I’m a stick in the mud, but I really hope all of you guys have a happy holidays and stuff! I really wanna do my best to make this coming year great and stuff, too. So…. yeah! Oh and here have this picture again. I like this picture it’s like the picture I put in blog posts when I’m feeling FRUSTRATED or CONFUSED. I also realized that I was an idiot and was actually tagging these drawling posts I make with the names of the characters of the pictures of I attach. One that’s stupid because people that go through the tag obviously don’t want a wall of melodramatic writing to go with a picture. And two I realized the people that were liking my posts were only liking them for the picture which is actually kind of RUDE. ‘So don’t attach pictures’ you may say. But I like doing it…… And I’ve also been still getting the impression that some people both offline and online hate me in one way or another?? I’m still trying to figure out what I did wrong, but so far I haven’t been able to get an answer. Also yeah I do get into this sort of feeling where if someone just looks a little bit pissed at me or anything I’ll kind of freak out and claw at my mind to know what I did to make them that way so I can yell at myself for it. And wow look at me still going on when said I’d ‘leave it at this’. I will stop. Right now. And get to rp posts right after. Until the next ultra big post, which will probably be in 2012.~ 
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Dear god I can’t believe the last time I’ve posted on this blog was like 2 months ago. This blog is just more of my uh… ‘Lots of typing and opinions’ blog anyway. …For the most part. But okay so I had my birthday today, which I have to say was pretty great. ~ I’m 19 now, but I of course really still feel like a baby honestly. I know when some people turn 19 or 20, they really think they’ve got the whole world to them and all of this, but I’m just really an apprehensive person overall… So, I dunno, things haven’t honestly changed so much for me for the past few months. I’ve chosen not to go to college, because I have no idea what I want to focus my studies in, and it’s like there’s some other thing that’s just making me reluctant to go. I feel like a NEET or something, seriously. No but I’ve still been social and stuff with people, I guess. I also got a job at a local bakery just recently, and so I’ve been having a lot of fun with that. I even get a chance to bake some of the stuff too, and I loooove baking. But yeah, I think it’s sort of funny because I haven’t been on MSN in a long time, but I decided to check up on it a few days ago, and people are like ‘Whoaaaa, so what have you been up to? What’s new?’ And I feel like I’m just disappointing them and making them bored when I say that honestly, nothing is new. I haven’t climbed the world’s tallest mountain, I haven’t gotten a new boyfriend, and I haven’t decided that I want to be the president of a company. Maybe I’m just too dull sob. But throughout today, everything was nice and lovely. I actually woke up at like around noon and didn’t want to go to work, because I’m lame. But my family and I actually know the manager of the bakery that I work at pretty well, so he said it was ok. I mean he really did hook me up with the job pretty easily, since other people were wanting to get in, BUT he said he would want to set me up with something where I get paid a bit less than the others, which I don’t mind at all. I’d honestly feel like shit if I got some amount of special treatment like that. ANYWAY, so I really decided to just like keep to myself for most of the day. I read and then went on the computer, and I just wanted to be quiet. I really only went out to have dinner with my parents, and I thought that was just fine. And everyone on tumblr was so sweet telling me happy birthday and stuff, so that made just feel like uuuuu I’m so bashful. But, I dunno, it was sort of strange… Like, this is seriously something that’s been happening with me on my birthdays for a while now, but I just get this sort of feeling of sadness in the back of my head. Like I go through the day normally, but there’s just this sad thought or something that I can’t break out of. My mom asked me if I was ok, and I told her I was, but I honestly wasn’t really sure. I wish I knew just what it was that made me feel like that. I actually still feel like that now actually. It’s like things seem so colorful and nice at first but then you find out those colors are really just hiding a dull, black and white picture that’s underneath. I am suuuuuch a freak. But past those kinds of things I’m still really thankful and happy with everything today. Everything was nicely relaxing and peaceful for the most part, and that’s just how I’d like to spend all of my birthdays. 
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Uwahhh, I feel so glad that people on the RP community that I’m in actually really like how I play as Erika from Durarara. Again, I think it’s kinda funny, since I really only watched Durarara for Erika, Walker, and Celty. I’m not saying it was a bad show, but I just fell in love with those character so much, that I was like ‘Fuck it. I just want them on screen.’ But with Erika, I can just go completely crazy as her and say whatever I want, and it’s just fuckin great. Even Travis is like ‘YOUR POSTS. CAN’T BREATHE.’ Oh god but just think of how difficult it would be to write anything deep at all. …Which is why I’m probably gonna try to avoid those types of topics but they’d still be good to practice with. I would link to my RP profile, but I’d rather have you guys find it whatever the hell. (If you’re even interested HAAAAA.) In other news, I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be getting a tablet in the next few weeks. I asked my dad and he was LITERALLY like ‘…Wait. You want that thing to draw? You don’t even know how to draw.’ ‘W-WELL. I CAN LEARN OKAY GEEZ.’ So I think he was probably like ‘Oh how adorable she wants to learn how to draw and try to do something creative since making her learn piano 6 years ago.’ CRY. Also yes, I try to keep my writing stuff a bit secret from my parents cause I’m way too hazukashi daysu. My dad HAS taken a peek at more of my random poetry stuff, though occasionally. But as long as it’s not that the thing I’ve been writing for like the past 3 months then I’m like great awesome. OH. And even better is I think that my aunt MAY try to send me oyaji moe smell. (Kotetsu’s cologne from Tiger and Bunny/ L’eau par Kenzo pour Homme.) When I get it I’m probably just gonna spray it all over my room including my sheets and pillow and just… INHALE THAT SHIT. And then I’ll feel like I have Kotetsu in my bed which is totally not scary at all of course. So yeah that’s my update on shit that’s been going on which is totally not exciting. Aghghgh, I’m also gonna have to start working in just about a month, since yeah ya know, choosing to hold back on starting college for this year, because I’m literally clueless about what I want to do/where I want to go, and I don’t want my parents just wasting money on me like that. :/ Yeah I’m on the way to becoming a NEET I can just feel it. …This is also random but I should also get to updating my bara blog. I’ll probably do it over the weekend. I have fucking 400+ followers and I was like whoa. But then I realized it’s basically a porn blog WELP.) Oh and one last thing to my newer followers. This blog is where I post things that are more lengthy statuses about what’s going on in my life or any big rants that I have where it’s like one post once every 4 to… over 30 days? I really don’t update much. (Oh and the pictures I attach are unrelated but a part of my brain forces me to post them to keep them on my first page. I know, I’m a freak.) So, if you guys are ever interested at all, you can follow my more general blog. I don’t really post that much on it either, but it’s definitely a lot more than this one. SO YEAH uh you can click HERE and you should be taken to my other blog. Ya don’t have to follow it or anything but yeah. OK YES BYE I’M DONE.
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Wow, can people quit being rude to my bro friend/Ginko in this RP? He’s saying that he’s been getting anon messages saying stuff like ‘OMG YOU WRITE SO MUCH IN YOUR POSTS AND IT’S CRAP’ ‘NO WONDER PEOPLE DROP RP’S WITH YOU OR TAKE A WHILE TO REPLY’ ‘RP GINKO CORRECTLY HE WOULDN’T DO THAT’ blah blah fucking blah. My god that’s horrible. :/ I’ve never really gotten criticized like that for my rping myself so maybe I’m lucky or something. (…….Though I was really paranoid that I was being annoying to this one partner I had.) I’d probably just tell those people or anons or whatever to just piss off though. And even though he says that he’s fine with it, I can tell he’s pretty upset about it and that it’s got him down. If people have a damn problem with the way he posts and stuff, then they could at least say it directly instead of going anon or keeping the thoughts to themselves or whatever. BUT NOW I FEEL LIKE I’M SPEAKING FOR THE GUY HA. I even told him that if it goes on he should just leave the community since it’s definitely not worth it. But he’s just like ‘Noooo I like rping with the people here and it’s my first time being in a big thing like this and bawww.’ And then that’s when I stand in front of the guy with a spiked bat and tell people to come at me instead. I mean sure he does write a lot in posts I have to admit, but he’s just doing what he wants. I also said that maybe some of his own rp partners might get intimidated by him (which I sometimes do with rpers that write a lot) but he said they never told him anything about that, so he says it’s fine. …But it’s like… I don’t think they’d say that to you directly cause they don’t wanna hurt your feelings, but he says he’d rather actually know than be in the dark about it. Which actually does make sense. Just UGH, I’ve seen it happen a lot where rpers can get discouraged by either other rpers or just random people that like to pick on them, and it gets me even more upset to know it’s happening to my friend. :/ (This picture is also completely unrelated but I like posting nice pictures of my (…multiple) husbands.)
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